Back to the ranch

So we're headed back to the ranch this weekend.

This is a big family get-together for the Daharshes. I get along really well with my relatives on the ranch, and with my folks and most of my aunts and uncles, but there are times when family tension seems to run fairly high. I'm hoping to avoid that this trip if possible.

This will be Nancy and the kids' first trip to the ranch. I suspect that the kids will love it: cows, horses, cats and dogs, and the ranch in general. We were going to camp, but Howard and Jill offered to let us stay with them, so we will probably do that. I know Nancy will appreciate staying in a bed.

I went to Randy and Rhonda's house last night to get my introduction to bow hunting. Randy showed me how to shoot a compound bow, and I did reasonably well, all things considered. I'll try and make it back out there regularly to get in shape to shoot better and to improve my aim. I have shoulder problems, so hopefully that won't interfere with me shooting.

I am planning on bowhunting in Nebraska with Randy on some leased land this fall. The one complication could be that our baby is due October 16, and the bowhunting season in Nebraska goes from Sept 15-Nov. 11 and Nov. 21-Dec. 31. So hopefully I will shoot a deer before our baby comes.

My youngest brother Andrew and his new daughter Katelyn.

here is a stitched together shot of some of our yard now that the trees have leaves and the yard is doing well. The blurs you see are where the stitching software couldn't adjust for the change in perspective of the shots.

We've moved in some more, and here is a shot out onto the deck.

Corben loves trains, and this put-together train at Emma's preschool worked just fine for him

Emma had her preschool graduation Friday. We're so proud of her, and as cheesy as preschool graduations are I feel a little sad to see the milestones ticking off.

stream

i have a family.
a wife who loves me, who is kind and beautiful and full of life.
a daughter who seems perfect at times. beautiful and loving and patient.
a son who torments my daughter, yet tries to comfort her when she's sad and loves to play and cuddle.
i have a house.
work and money that seem to come just when needed -- i credit God for this as my wife and i trust Him to provide for our needs, and i return to Him often, although not enough, to thank Him for providing.
i get to spend some time on a regular basis drawing and painting or being outside and fishing or hunting -- in any case i am able to do things that i love and get to be with wonderful people.

blessings... i feel my life is full with blessings

i think of times in my life though when i did not feel like my life was full of blessings.
i felt alone.
i felt so misplaced and in the midst of foreigners.
i was aching all the time. i wanted not to live or breathe if that meant feeling the way i did for another day.

emptiness... alone-ness... i felt that my existence was empty of anything beautiful or good.

the emptiness came in spite of faith. i knew God and was trying hard to relate to Him and be better at living my life in a way that i thought He wanted me to.

now i don't feel like i try at all. i feel like i come to God a lot, but only for moments, to drop off a thank-you gift and leave a note for what i know is coming. we are more faithful givers than we have ever been, i'm not saying we're perfect or that we're great, it's just that we've really been trying to stay consistent with giving in church and when we know of specific needs.

like many people (i imagine -- i have not done any research on this) i have always felt that my sense of fullness in life is tied to how great a percentage of my time and effort is given to Bible/Church/Prayer/Service/Spiritual Discipline and all that. that doing "religious" (for lack of a more descriptive word) stuff would lead me into a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

so i wonder a lot if i'm doing something very wrong. perhaps all the things i count as blessings are merely distractions. should spiritual life be suffering? that is what it felt like for so many years. such desparate unhappiness seemed paired with spiritual dedication.

there were some key years in the middle of these two places -- blessing and emptiness -- i learned to love people, to trust friends, to share myself and pour out myself to care for others around me and be cared for by them. before that there was a time where i walked away -- sort of like the prodigal son although i didn't feel like i was running away from God. i never let go of faith -- or perhaps i always knew that God would never let me go, regardless of how thinly i felt i wore our ties.

what is the message in all this, where does the truth lie, what am i doing right, or wrong, or can i say for certain that it matters? sometimes the questions i don't have the courage to ask ring in my ears.

in the end i think there are some things i need to work on. i need to have a greater depth in my relationship with God. i believe that in order to make this happen i will need to spend time "doing" spiritual disciplines -- reading seems to be the one i run from the most but seems to have the greatest potential. i think i need to stay with the pattern we have of giving. i need to be better at showing gratitude to God. i need to spend the time i have with my kids in more meaningful interaction. i need to exercise. i need to tell Nancy i love her more...

i am almost crying because of the sense of emptiness i hear in some people who hold a very special place in my heart. i want to share our blessings. come into our home. sit at our table. feel our joys and sorrows, share yours and let us all be comforted in our companionship. our lives should be intertwined, but they seem so far apart.

the internet is not really real. i can't hug words on a screen. i can't pat a photo on the back. i can't feel the warmth from the hand of someone by listening to a recording of their voice. all i get is feelings of what i think peoples' whole experience is. but that is based only on what they let me see, which is edited and protected so reality is left behind and only part of what is really going on is left to see, and i don't know what part that is. i hate not being able to bring comfort to pain i perceive.

i want to live within reach of people that mean the world to me. i want to see them across the table, have them hold my kids on their lap. i want them to know how i'm doing and ask me if everything is allright. i want arms around my back. i want tears on my shoulder. i want to be able to feel the ache then be able to give a hug that says it will be ok.

i pray for circles. i pray that those i love would find a circle like the one i want to find. sit. know. be known. feel loved.

i pray for slowness. blowing out one end of the candle. let us have space to interact and show love. to draw into those circles. to draw into God.

i pray for my own constancy. i want to live well so i can show my kids how to live well. i want others to see some reflection of God in me.

i want you to know you are loved. you are loved. God loves you more than i have the ability to describe. if you are one of the ones i have told that i love, i love you as well. if i haven't told you, know that i want to be the kind of person who is good at loving others.

thanks for reading this far... i'm not sure if any of this was worth either of our time or not, but i think it was good for me.

Back from Nebraska... I went to my cousin's ranch this past weekend with Andy, Robert and Matt. We had a good time. Andy brought an RV all the way from Illinois. I have always been a pretty die-hard "tent-camping" guy, but I will admit that waking up without being sore and with climate control has it's benefits. After Andy and the guys left I had a few hours alone at the ranch. I went out and sighted in a rifle, then took some photos of the evening clouds. I wish I had stayed longer and taken some more time alone. This photo does a good job of catching the feeling I had at the moment.

We moved in this past weekend. We had 5 friends show up to help. Thanks to them all: Todd Schmidt, Tim Walsh, and Jason and Brenda Frazier. In addition my brother Andrew Daharsh helped me get a bunch of stuff over last Tuesday night and Greg and Rebecca Miller loaned me a trailer since they couldn't come on Saturday.

Here is a little gallery of the new house and a little bit of the move itself. We are so thankful to be in this house, it holds a lot of great memories from several good friends who have lived there.

We already had Todd and Missy and their dauughter Kara over for lunch after church yesterday, then Nancy's folks and my folks dropped by in the evening. We love to have people over, and hope that this home allows us to entertain and hopefully bless many others.